I'm not sure how many of you people who visit here actually know me.
However, if you do know me at all you know I do not like to travel much. I prefer to be at home, where I know how things work and where they are.
Regardless I have traveled in my life, both in this great counrty of ours and abroad. I've been plenty of places and seen plenty of things that some people don't.
If I never travel through the seventh level of hell, here unto referred to as Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, then it will be to soon.
I am a reasonable person when it comes to tolerating stupity, I think you have to be to live in today's MTV/reality television/mary kate & ashley world. I had no problem dealing with the plane being late on departure, or the Budget rental car's system being down (the lady was very nice about it, and gave us soda pop's to drink...soady pop!). I didn't get to upset when the "apartment" (herefore unto referred to as camp SBC) didn't have shampoo....i just used bar soap. Afterall it's not as if I have that much hair right now anyways.
So perhaps it was the week of eating indian and mexican food (for which my lower intestine has still not forgiven me for...i'm sending it flower tomorrow if it doesn't return my calls) I was ready to get home.
Now here's the slice of heaven, because up till now I was having a pretty good time. Got to sit in skybox, watch a game, drink all the free beer i could....sounds like a little slice of heaven right? Hell, it was even fun to meet all the people out there, and get to hang out with the group over a few cold
Shiners. Don't get me wrong, thats was fun.
The poopie really hit the fan when I tried to leave. First of all my flight was @ 7:55pm...central standard time. Well the two people I was traveling with (one of whom had the rental car....) wanted to try to get the 4:17pm ...central standard time...flight so they could get home earlier. Alas this meant one thing (since my ride was preset for 9:30ish, and I couldn't change it) that I was gonna get stuck sitting on my ass in an airport for 4 hours twiddling my thumbs.
So we get there and they go ahead and get standby seats on a flight with no real issues. I figured why bother when I was either gonna sit here or at Midway...besides, if I have a ticket in my hand I'm not gonna fuck with the travel god's and to to standby just for the hell of it. They don't like that when you do it, and would probably smacked me down for it.
So I get up the the ticket agent and offer her my itinerary, which she doesn't want, all she want's is my destination and driver's license. Which I give her, as I am a nice person who is reasonable. She then proceeds to tell me that I'll have to check my bag. Now let me tell you something, I like to travel carry on only. Ever since the FAA revoked the ability to put locks on your own luggage I just don't trust anyone. I mean there were issues before WHEN we had locks on them.
So let's regress to the current situation. It's 2:30pm CST....i'm standing at the ticket counter for a flight that doesn't leave till 7:51....PM and miss brilliance usa suddenly tells me I have to check my carry on because the flight is full.
Let's review.....I'm pretty much 5 freakin' hours early and she tells me I need to check my bag's because the plane is full? Now maybe if in the first place she had actually accepted my offer to show her what flight I was on (instead of only my destination) we wouldn't have this issue. So here's our conversation:
Ms Dumass: Sir you'll have to check you bag, the flight is full
Me: Really? That's odd I've flown this airline many times and never had an issue with this luggage and carry on or heard of a requirement of checking it.
Ms Dumass: We'll your hearing it now.
Me: (big shit eating grin on my face) Well yes I am, aren't I
So I place my suitcase on the scale for checking your bag, and as I do so I say out loud:
Me: I find it odd that I have to check my bag's when my flight doesn't leave till 7:51pm.
Ms Dumass: Oh....your on the later flight......then you don't have to check your bag.
Notice that an no time did I mention that my girlfriend
IS a flight attendant. And that perhaps I would be familiar with the carry on restrictions of said airline.
You what we need? Zombie technology...we need to resurect Charles Darwin and give him a shotgun. Then we can just slap him on the ass, give him a big ol' gunny sack of shells and send him out on this way. Anyone that doesn't get out of the way of him dies. End of story. Ya know, throw a little chlorine in the old gene pool.
Anyways, after that happy crap, I stand in line with my co-workers for a good 10 minutes to get through security. Then just as we are nearing the end they decided to open a new checkpoint.........now logic would dictate that you would take two at a time from the exhisting line, but noooooooo...this is texas, let's just start a new line so that the people who come in last get to go before us. Cause that makes sense y'all.
So i get up to the security checkpoint, take off my shoes, my belt (i'm not wearing a watch or ring because i don't for this reason alone), and all i have on me is paper money in my pocket because I put my walllet in my backback for simplicty. And of course they have to pull me aside to check my luggage, look for bombs, or shove a few finger's up my ass. Who knows for sure.....
So Barney (not his real name, but sounds good enough) pulls me aside. Now let's talk about Barney for a minute. Barney is near death.....so near death he look's like he woke up next to death, gave him a kiss, picked up the $20 dollars on the night stand and shuffled his wrinkly, old, decrepid, flakey, liver spotted behind to work just so he could seek the revenge of his bitter misspent youth on unsuspecting travellers.
So Barney is elbow keep in my undewear (shurly depositing more residue than he is removing) and some how becomes convinced that my evil, master plan was to stab the entire flight crew to death with my nose hair scissor's. Damn, him I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for him and those meddling kids.
Now the best part is now what happened next. Because all they did was tell me I could keep them if I "checked" my bags (yeah right, fuck you buddy and your impressive resume of menial low paying jobs and lack of college, i'm sure your baby's momma is proud of you) it's that not 10 minutes later as I walked by with a fresh, steaming, practially boiling Starbucks Grande vanilla latte I had to resist the urge to take the top off and fling it in Barney's mummified husk like face screaming "aren't you glad you threw away my nose hair trimmer's...THANK GOD YOU GOT THOSE DANGEROUS THINGS OUT OF MY HANDS!!!!!! LORD KNOWS WHAT I MIGHT OF DONE WITH THOSE AFTER SEEING SILENCE OF THE LAMBS 23 TIMES IN A ROW!!!!"
So for the next 5 hours I sat in gate 25B of DFW reading and playing gamebody on and off. Drinking my latte and trying to stay awake as best as possible.
Part 2 later....