Saturday was a beautiful day. Sunny. Cool breeze. A beautiful day by anyone’s standards. The kind of day that would make a person want to crawl out of their basement, shake off the drug induced haze, and skip thru a green field with puppies and butterflies.
Then we got in the car.
It’s not her fault, god love her, but I swear to god Jen has an Idiot Magnet (patent pending) shoved up her ass somewhere. It’s gotten to such a point that if it wasn’t for lack of having a back seat or a trunk I’d make her hide back there while driving with a blanket over her head……made of tinfoil….and breathing quietly.
Now, I’m not sure if I was absent the day they covered “anger venting” in driver’s education, however, my preferred method of choice is screaming at my steering wheel. Sometimes, when there’s nothing else you can do, proclaiming loudly that a person has his way with many barnyard animals and stating that his heritage is less than desireable along with his general exhistance is the only thing that can help. (translation: shit eating, donkey raper, mutha fucka) But the catch is that when we do this, it usually is to ourselves, not others (unless there’s a passenger). We don’t normally hang out the window screaming obscenities like a crazed tourettes patient, frothing and slobbering at the mouth.
That was the case, at least until this saturday.
So we were dropping by Home Depot to pick up some more Velvity Merlot paint, and were sitting in the left turn lane, which has two lanes. We are in the far left one, since when we pull in we are going to be heading left. So far so good. Then the light changes and the car’s begin their slow, lemming like progression into the parking lot, when one of the most spectacularly stupid things happens. The car in front of us realizes, that somehow, it needs to be in the outside left turn lane, not the inside. Rather than simply go thru with the turn and then figure out how to get back, the person (later to be confirmed as female) tries to change lanes…in the middle of the turn…did I mention both lanes were pretty full? Probably didn’t mention that did I. So we’re sitting. stopped. behind this MENSA candidate who’s trying to change lanes, and as a result has come to a complete stop thereby blocking everyone behind her and stopping us dead in our tracks with our asses hanging out into the main road.
Meanwhile, nobody else in the outside left turn lane was expecting this, and as such nobody’s letting this sterilization candidate in….why would they, nobody in their right might would see this coming.
Finally, she get’s in between an SUV and some old lady driving like she’s got nothing to do but wait to die. Now comes the best part.
Jen’s mad. I’m mad. We want to vent our frustration about this person and our shocked looks and comments about lineage just aren’t doing it. So as she get’s over to the outside turn lane, and we drive by Jen voice’s her displeasure in the word’s “STUPID FUCKING BITCH” in a loud tone (loud tone of course meaning she yelled it).
Remember I said it was a nice day? My window was wide open. Guess what….so was her’s. If I had chosen so I could have reached out and smacked the back of her head, we were that close.
Let’s just say, it’s clear to her how Jen felt about her driving, and we spent the rest of the day looking out of the corner of our eyes for somebody in an Oberweis shirt and a pony tail coming at us.
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