Guide to ordering broadband: 1) Nothing is guaranteed. If anyone guarantees you anything, they are lying. 2) Sales people lie. Salesmen have been lying from the dawn of civilization. Nothing has changed. Salesmen lie in every industry, telecom is no different. 3) Some people cannot have broadband even though they were told they could (see rules 1 and 2). 4) Most of time the installer is not going to set up your network, fix your refrigerator, or rearrange your furniture. If you were told he would, see rules 1 and 2. 5) I'm sure your Pets / Kids are lovely creatures. Please put them somewhere else. It is not cute when you say he / she / it wants to help. And yes, he / she / it does bite. 6) There is not a special switch somewhere that instantly activates your service. Things go wrong. Sometimes there are delays. No one is out to get you. Continue using your regular dosage of Paxil. 7) If there are problems, yelling at people and being rude will get you nowhere fast. Calling 4 times an hour will not make things go faster. Relax, have a smoke. Drink some scotch. Watch some T.V. Talk to your kids about drugs. Help control the stray population by having your pet spayed or neutered. 8) You are not losing hundreds/thousands/millions of dollars an hour because your DSL or Cable is down. You are losing hundreds/thousands/millions of dollars because you didn't have the foresight to plan for an outage. You are relying on a $30-100 product for critical connections? Shame on you. 9) You do not have to install the crappy connection software you are given. Do a little research. 10) There is a 99.999% chance that you are not a broadband expert (even if you do have and MCSE). Yes this applies to you.

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I told you this song was cool! I've heard the damn thing twice already during the VMA's.
Ever hear of that show, black eye from a straight guy? :) BTW, anybody ever notice it's the same god damn video's every award? It's:
- .50
- good charlotte
- eminem
- beyonce
- justin timberlake It's always the same.....jesush christ!

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Anybody have a copy of Elite Force? I lent mine to somebody and then they walked off with it. Dammit! As for other games, can't wait for FF-X-2, XenoSaga 2, and .hack/2 Mutation. btw, i'm selling a computer case:
No, really....I am. Pussy not included, get your own dammit! -For the video game generation, some hideous box art for your fond memory.
- Download the video here, it's pretty cool. Junior|Senior "move your fee".
- Here's a guide to the underworld of NY. Pretty amazing actually.
- Dell Patents "Reboot and See If That Fixes It" Technical Support Process
Have you seen some of the stuff on pat's page? It's just wrong man!

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Go to www.google.com Click on 'Preferences' to the right of the search field. Where it says 'Interface Language', in the drop-down menu, choose Hacker. Hit 'Save Preferences'. Voila, google now speaks your language! There's also Elmer Fudd, Pig Latin and Bork, bork, bork!

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Inspector: 'ELLO!
Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.
Inspector: Mr. 'ilton?
Hilton: A-yes?
I: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
H: I am, yes.
I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality Assortment".
H: Oh, yes.
I: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for that.
H: Ah, agreed.
I: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.
H: Yes.
I: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?
H: Yes, a little one.
I: What sort of frog?
H: A...a *dead* frog.
I: Is it cooked?
H: No.
I: What, a RAW frog?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
I: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
H: What else?
I: Well, don't you even take the bones out?
H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
I: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!
C: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)
I: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl! They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog!
H: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of ANY kind!
I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog" with the legend, "Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog" if you wish to avoid prosecution!
H: What about our sales?
I: FUCK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit.
I: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!?
H: Correct.
I: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!
H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after "monosodium glutamate".
I: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label: "WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!"
H: Our sales would plummet!
I: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary??!!
(the constable returns)
I: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead to understand. Or Raspberry Lite. I mean, what's this one, what's this one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! -- -- Anthrax Ripple!
C: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!! For those of you watching this transcript on your terminal, the young constable has just thrown up into his helmet. This is the longest continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John Barrymore puked over Laertes in the second act of Hamlet in 1941. I: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise?
H: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
I: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
H: (shrugging) It's a fair cop.
I: And DON'T talk to the audience.

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God, you know what really bugs me? It's the stupid IE title up top that AOL put's there. You know where it says: Microsoft Internet Explorer provided by America Online Well no shit sherlock, I mean christ thank GOD! somebody at AOL decided to put that there otherwise i'd never know what I was looking at. I'd probably just stand here slack jawed drooling like an old abused lab monkey staring at wonder at my screen wondering exactly what I was looking at. So I finally figured out the place in the registry to edit it: [HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Main]
REG_SZ (String Value) =window title , change to whatever you want Finally, now I can surf the internet in peace. DAMN YOU AOL!

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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

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Look's like I have some competition with this whole website thing :) Guess i'll have to kick it up a notch, or i could just steal all his links Remember jessie jackson? I can't tell you how much he bugs me, but here's a good article on the whole thing. I'm not a NASCAR fan really, or anything at all, but I just hate the image I have of him. Which is of a con artist living off the bullshit he creates, and basically perpetuates discrimination for his own benefit. Kind of like what I was thinking about earlier, why would pharmecy companies want to cure anything, because then the would go out of business. Same basic thing. But at least I have a new book i want to read now.

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Well I just got done sleeping for 3 1/2 hours. This is after I slept in already this morning. Wonder why? Well, as I was riding my bike out to my mom's earlier today I got whacked in the chest with something. It felt almost like a paintball, but I assume that's because I was going 60mph. When I finally arrived I noticed I was a little light headed and my arms were tingly (like they had been asleep). So I checked out my chest in the mirror and sure enough there was a welt rising there. So I think what happened is some kind of bug (bee, wasp, hornet, etc) impacted me as I was riding, and I probably hit the business end of it. So i'm thinking I got a lot of whatever nasty venom was in it because I was going to fast and squeezed it out of it (kind of like a tranquilizer dart or something). All I know is i'm really tired........

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I swear to go, this is the last weekend i'm having a garage sale. After this all the crap just gets thrown out or donated to red cross. Now if you'll excuse me I have an emergency conf call to attend to deal with routing issues across the WHOLE USA regarding this fucking worm virus thing. So how's your friday night?

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What exactly is Hell? Is hell a physical, tangible place where flames and demon's torture the unjust and wicked? Or is it more of a mental state of mind not defined so much by phyics, but rather by the complusion of our own state of morality? I believe hell is neither, but rather hell is a garage sale. Hell is a place where you are forced to sift through your mother's things in order to mark them for sale. Hell is a place with long spoons and people who arrive in rusty mini-vans with their 5 kids in tow screaming and running around like the very banshee's they represent. Hell is where you boil a person's life down to a few thousand dollars, where everything they were, are, and meant basically becomes the gross value of table full of unopened qvc packages that were never opened, needed, or useful. How exactly do you justify the prostitution of your childhood. How do you come to terms with selling almost everything that meant something to a person you loved so much, but doesn't to you. It's not healthy to live in the past, or to pile boxes up until they hit the ceiling, but what is right and what is wrong. It's bad enough I didn't see she was sick, but now I'm also selling almost everything she ever owned.

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or a guide to living with Jen: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = I need to complain Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron Are you listening to me??? = Too late, you're dead You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs You're so manly = You need to shave and you sweat alot Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expenxive It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really not going to like

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Ok, well its been a while, but for good reason. I was in AZ last weekend to visit my nephew tommy and get some vacation in. Not a lot of time off but it wasn't all bad. Although I have to say I didn't enjoy the 116 degree heat (no i'm not kidding or exagerating). Anyways the pics are here in my picture section if you are curious. Links:
- Reason # 237 why not to shoot paintball gun into random crowd. Darwin would be proud.
- Ever been EDU?
- Road rage? Then you need a Trunk Monkey? (props to frank).

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Tired....need sleep. Will post soon, just got back into central time zone.

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As I shuffle off into the night for a few days I wanted to leave you all with some links to remember me by until I return:
- Ghetto Prom. Nothing. More. To. Say.
- Find anyone's drivers license information, anywhere.
- Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
- I'm not sure what this is, but it involves a cow and a UFO and looks pretty cool. But don't drink the water.
- Kill the dog from DuckHunt.
And on a serious note, probably one of the best articles on how hip hop is supressing the african american culture.

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The Mystery of Penis Pills finally solved!

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I've been thinking a lot about death lately, so this link seems appropriate: When will you die? When you are done with that then you can read about how telemarketers are trying to get around the national do not call list. And on a final morbid note, here's what happens when you object to a company making a profit from donated organs from your son. I believe there is a special place in hell for people who run companies like that. Just remember to all trust in Jesus and peace will be with you.

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This is the first time i've felt like posting. I want to say thanks to the people who have given me their support, even though they don't know me at all. I kept all of this to myself because I hate pity more than anything in my life, but I really appreciated what people I don't even know had to say to help me. It really made me feel better and I wanted everyone to know that. It will be a little longer before I get back up to speed. Time are just as rough now as they were when my mother was alive. Dealing with her estate is a draining and emotionally turbulant activity. Just when you think you've dealt with the worst you find the stupidest little things that just makes you want to cry all over again. I've only learned one thing, no matter what you do, how much you do, or anything...it never feels like you did enough. and I hate that so much. i just wish there was a way for me to know that she knows i did my best for her.

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