I know the whole Macintosh parody thing is played out, but this is probably the best one i've seen. It's from a comedy group called Happy Nowhere.
Thanks to Nick for reminding me of this one.

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Ok, so yesterday I was on the EL red line heading towards Sheridan, when a couple of stops before I notice a patio with a lot of people on it. Now I mean a lot, not just a couple. So I tell Jen to look over and she say's they are nuts and there are to many people on it.
The EL pulls away and we don't think anymore of it till this morning when Jen sees this on the news:

CHICAGO - A wooden third-floor porch packed with dozens of friends in their early 20s collapsed Sunday, killing 12 people as it pancaked onto porches below. As many as 45 others were injured in the fall, some critically, authorities said. Police said as many as 50 people may have been standing or dancing on the porch when it gave way, and there may have been beer kegs there, as well. Most of the dead appeared to have been crushed on the porches below, said Larry Langford, spokesman for the city's Office of Emergency Management. "There was chaos," said Chicago Fire Commissioner James Joyce. "There were people screaming and crying in the alley." Eleven people were dead at the scene, and 12th was dead on arrival at a hospital, the Cook County Medical Examiner's office confirmed. Emergency Management Director Cortez Trotter said 45 people were injured when the porch, attached to the back of an apartment building in affluent Lincoln Park, collapsed just after midnight. Most of the people at the party were friends in their early 20s, many of them graduates of New Trier High School in Chicago's northern suburbs, said Fina Cannon. She had been in the apartment's kitchen, looking out at the porch when it gave way. "All of a sudden I saw all these heads going down," Cannon said. "The floor just dropped out from underneath them. They all went down in unison." A lot of people were on the third-floor porch at the time, and others on the second-floor porch below it, Cannon told Chicago television station CLTV. Michelle Myers said her son was on the porch but managed to jump to the kitchen doorway as the floor gave way. The wooden rails of the third-floor porch were still in place several hours after the collapse, but the floor was gone. Neighbors said they saw emergency workers using chain saws to cut through the debris to get to the victims. Langford said the porch appeared to be less than a year old. "The porches back there could probably facilitate 20 to 30 people," not the 40 to 50 police said may have been there Sunday, said one neighbor, Dr. David Guelich, an orthopedic surgeon. "It was simply a case of too many people in a small space," Joyce said. He urged people to be careful about safety with the upcoming July 4 holiday and Sunday's annual Gay Pride Parade, which was scheduled for later Sunday in the same general neighborhood.

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- Internal memo from Carb Solutions customer complaint dept. Apparently Peanut Butter Ass Crunch wasn't approved by the marketing dept.
- Dammit, and I really wanted some Taco Bell....minus the Hepatitis of course....
- You kicked my dog you muddar fooker!
- Mental note, don't let 8 year olds drink beer, much less 9% ALC beer.
- The Bad Fad Museum, alas Ms. Pac Man gets a chameo.

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Is a gun that shoots AOL CD's

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- If you are going to use the toilet, make sure you turn off your microphone first.
- Would you like to see a video of someone dancing in a thong?
- Aw christ...I just used to yell and cry. And now a special dedication to an old friend:

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Over 100 hours later, countless eyeballs, fangs, and devil dress's I've finally finished this game. Kudo's to Square for one of the most amazing RPG's I've played in a while.
Now I just have to get .hack 2, and another playstation 2.

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Everybody, say hi to andrew:
Little bastard keeps stealing my liquor when i'm not looking....

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- The term "google" is now considered a verb, copyrights on words soon to follow.
- Ratings fall for reality TV shows.....thank fucking god...except for amazing race. I actually like that show.
- What is the Geek Matrix?
- Now you can find all the songs on the Mitsubishi commercials in one place.
- The worst super hero costumes of all time.
- Gravity vs. bicycler....*hint* gravity wins.
- They are making a 9/11 movie.....decency, morality, and common sense all surrender.

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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

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So It's been a few days since I've updated. Something new happened to me wednesday, something that I've never done before. I went to a baseball game in Comisky Park.
It was pretty interesting taking the EL for the first time as well, when we left to drive downtown, it started raining. no ....raining does not begin to describe the monsoon we traversed to get there. It was horrible, and the worst thing about rain when it warm is the car gets fogged up, much less you can't see because of the rain.
Either way we got downtown, parked, took the EL, and got there a little early. The game (White sox vs. boston red sox) was a little rain delayed, but thankfully wasn't rained out (which we were very afraid of). All told, aside from tickets (they were good seats too) we probably spent about 60 bucks on food, and beer :) (all the more reason to get that flask I've always wanted). Oh yeah, and I got wireless internet installed:

Not the prettiest thing in the world, but it works pretty good.

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- Ever wanted to be a police sniper? - Mental note: If a branch gets stuck in a wood chipper, do not try to knock loose with foot. This especially applies if it is on at the time. - Where my beeyotches at?
Here's the latest pic of me and Jen, figured I'd just share that with you all.

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- Remember the game ShadowGate on the NES? Here's a game that's kinda like it online, its called Mystery of Time and Space. - The cola wars get personal, I suspect it's a lie though. - Aside from their teeth, don't sleep with the british. - Here's how to win at carnival games......nothing like finally getting that picture of bart simpson between a fat ladie's butt cheeks saying "crack kills".

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Get to know our cats......

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Ever wonder exactly why it is that Martha Stewart is getting raped in the public, while the fat old white guys from Worldcom and Enron are still free as can be? What is it about a celebrities status that delights us so when they fall, why do we crowd like blood hungry dogs around them when they are proven to be oh so human like us? Then again things could always be worse, eh? You could be towed by some stupid assh0le looking for a quick buck. - Don't drive a lawnmower home from the hardware store...even with your headlights on. - Think the museum in Baghdad got pillaged? Think again. - Steal cable, get a large fine. Don't steal it, still get a large fine even if the cable company screws up.

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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked! The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes..

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I hate my neighors and hope they die.

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Anyone remember when MTV actually played music.....anyone??? Kind of in a hurry, so lets get to the good stuff right away here:
- An article on French toilets...wait a minute...they have toilets over there????
- An MSNBC article on how the makers of Enlargement pills got busted. I guess they are hoping their fellow inmates aren't taking them :P
- Here's contest comprised of road signs you never want to see.

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Finally found those pesky hidden settings...

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Ok, so I was watching Tech TV today (really enjoying that Direct TV since Comcast doesn't carry it) and the most amazing commercial came on:
I shit you not, I thought this was a parody for the first 20 seconds. I kept waiting so recognize the actors from SNL or something, but nope. I swear to got this thing is legit. They even showed it moving and singing.... ...and then forget about a giant asteroid hitting the earth, a true sign of the coming hellfire was given to me, Boy George had a little cameo endorsing this phone. I am telling you I'm not lying, check out a UK website here. It turns out the fad ran it's course over in the UK and now they are trying to dump this shit on us, probably as revenge for the countless dental jokes we've made at their expense.
I'm telling you, this phone is part of a plan to take over the world. I'm not quite sure how, but it is, I swear it......now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my tinfoil hat.

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- Well it's monday again, and time for a new strongbad email.
- Reserve your place now for the Nigerian Email Conference....seats are limited. All they need is bank account, SS#, blood type, Mother's maiden name, and ATM card PIN #. Your safety is guarenteed!
- Some things are just to damn cute:

- The Animatrix is coming out on June 3rd, don't miss it!
- My current desktop image.

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Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is loving and giving
Saturday's child works hard for a living
And the child that is born on the sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

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10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door
whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic
sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!"
every time a person walked through them, about once a month some
guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry
Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to
master WD- 40 Continue reading for the rest.....
9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that
runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable
planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're
rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the
guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?
And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an
important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in
spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money
hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.
8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of
everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just
screws things up. I have it on good authority that the
technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise
comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through
the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet
in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi
thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned
polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't
just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.
7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the
first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly
over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone
would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some
furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening."
So of course, they did make something like that for the second
Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but
what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your
thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look!
The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"
6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various
stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw
their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could
get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could
get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and
pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at
an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge
personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless
exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit
down.
5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on
TV last year:
Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this!
And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I
should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big
Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them
first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and
look pensive."
Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the
chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet.
Which one isn't coming back?
3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the
problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and
routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting
subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which
created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in
the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As
a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.
2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people
would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west
saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used
for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would
be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going
to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus?
And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36
Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be
doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes
wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all
day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The
Earth-shattering Kaboom.

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