London - A Brazilian man is back with his wife who cut off his penis when he asked for a divorce.
The man, from Lapao, in the northeast of the country, has had his penis successfully reattached in hospital.
He says he understands his wife acted out of stress and that they are living together happily again.
He told Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper: "She was stressed and I understand her reasons."
His wife cut off his penis after lacing his fruit juice with a sedative after he said he wanted a divorce.
She waited for him to fall asleep and then sliced it off with a kitchen knife. -Ananova.com
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how
much I care, some people are just
assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a
big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they ! are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking
long after you think you're finished..
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never
go away.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!!!
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had
to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to come
between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give
me a smaller time window.
The pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before
we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that
since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report
future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new Neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. Her reason: too many deer were being
hit by cars and she didn't want deer to cross there anymore
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, ..."That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe To cross the
street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle,the
French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters,
the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but UN-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support.
